askjanus's blog

Ignoring a Safeword

Just wondering what a good protocol is for consensual play when a participant overrides/ignores a stop word. Thank you I appreciate your experienced response.

Thanks for writing in with such a complex and important question. This topic is a common conversation amongst both newcomers and more experienced players.

If a safeword has been ignored, any agreement between the participants has just ended, whether that agreement is a simple scene that was negotiated or something broader. Read more...

SF Police Codes and public BDSM

Cuffs behind the back

Could you direct me to a resource that spells out what is and is not permitted in San Francisco regarding public bondage--e.g., what sort of restraints can legally be used on a sub in public outside of bdsm clubs?

Thanks for the question. We asked folks on the team and here's what we came up with. Read more...

I want to be a Pro Domme

Pro Domme boots

I would really like to talk to someone about becoming a professional dom. I know of a few houses that my friends have worked at but dont know how to contact them myself. I am also curious if anyone is interested in teaching me or a work for trade situation. It feels rather lonesome getting into this work without a strong sense of community. I was really happy to find your website.
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Searching for Good Books and Literature on BDSM

I am very very new to BDSM and I am trying to move slowly as I learn more about the lifestyle and myself. I have found a mentor, who is answering many questions and guided me to your site. I want to thank you and all of those out there who understand how scary and lonely this process is and embrace us with your understanding and patience.

Ask Janus: Suspension Bondage

I'm looking for the best book or resource on doing suspension safely. If you have recommendations,
I'd really appreciate it.

There are a lot of rope bondage books out there that mention suspension, but (as far as we know) none that deal with suspension singularly. We'll list a few books we like for general bondage below. Read more...

Ask Janus: Finding a kink aware therapist

I'm new to kink (curious and uninitiated, actually). I'd like to explore BDSM, but have a psychiatric disorder that could complicate things. I'd like to find a psychologist (or more than one) who's BDSM-familiar so I can find out what some possible implications of exploring this might be. Any help would really be appreciated.

First, congratulations on your forethought. Assessing psychological risk is often overlooked by some who are looking to become more explorative in their sexual expressions. Read more...

Ask Janus: Not quite sure...

I am interested in BDSM, while I don't know a whole lot, I want to know more and my husband is not interested. Is there anyway of easing him into this lifestyle for both of us? I would like to experience certain aspects of BDSM because I feel like am really missing out of a lot of pleasure it could give us both. Is there any thing I can do at home to get him interested? I feel like I need more, and without him even learning and trying anything about this lifestyle, I will miss out of it all together. PLEASE - any help is appreciated.

Ask Janus: "No! Stop!" and the SF police

I'm under the impression that in some jurisdictions, all suspected domestic abuse *must* be prosecuted, and I'm worried about how that interacts with rape play and things like it. Going to jail for making my partner happy would be annoying, to say the least.

I'm specifically worried about SF and Oakland, as that's where we are. Any pointers you can give would be appreciated.

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Ask Janus: How do I know if I'm topping from the bottom?

How do I know if I'm topping from the bottom?

The term "topping from the bottom," sometimes called "topping from below," refers to a submissive/bottom's attempt to exert control in a consensual power exchange dynamic in which that individual has ostensibly surrendered their control. This behavior is generally non-negotiated, manipulative, self-centered behavior and tends to be frowned upon (and should not be confused with negotiated "brat play," which is not covered here). "Topping from below" can happen in a scene or in a long-term relationship. Read more...