Ask Janus: How do I know if I'm topping from the bottom?

How do I know if I'm topping from the bottom?

The term "topping from the bottom," sometimes called "topping from below," refers to a submissive/bottom's attempt to exert control in a consensual power exchange dynamic in which that individual has ostensibly surrendered their control. This behavior is generally non-negotiated, manipulative, self-centered behavior and tends to be frowned upon (and should not be confused with negotiated "brat play," which is not covered here). "Topping from below" can happen in a scene or in a long-term relationship.

Here's an example of "Topping from the bottom" as told to Ask Janus by the former slave who was part of a Master/slave negotiated relationship:

Several years ago I was a slave to a man I worshipped. My identity as his slave and my service to him was the focal point of my life. One day, during a discussion we were having addressing some rough spots in our relationship, he told me that he often felt as though my service was more 'about me' than it was 'about him.' At first, I felt as though I had been hit with a ton of bricks. Had I really been topping from below, acting in a way that I abhored?

When I took time to reflect on my behavior I realized that I really had been trying to control things. Despite the fact that I did it with the best of intentions, I nonetheless was focusing on what *I* thought was best for my Owner, rather than on what he instructed.

I had also subtly been trying to control our scenes as well. If he chose to use an implement on me that I didn't like, my mental focus would change from being present with him and submitting to his control to trying to find ways to make him stop: screams that were a little bit exaggerated, for example. Through these actions I had basically stopped submitting to him and was trying to control his behavior. I didn't do this regularly, but I did do it, and it was a breach of my pledge to him to surrender all of my control.

When two people agree to a scene or a relationship, the degree of power to be exchanged is negotiated. Many do not entail the degree of surrender of a Master/slave relationship, but even in isolated scenes, a high degree of submission can be agreed upon. Everyone *can* and should get what they want and in a healthy, effective manner, if the parties pay attention to careful negotiation prior to play. This is the time when both top and bottom can spell out what they would like to experience, what they enjoy, and what they do not want.

Prior to any negotiating, it is important to be clear about what you want from the scene or the relationship and important that you trust your top's skills and intent. Clear communication and honest negotiation, combined with agreed-upon safe words, provide the safety net that allows us to truly surrender.

Hope that helps. Good luck on your journey.