Ask Janus: Is dirty talk kinky? How do I ask if it's okay to talk dirty?

Is dirty talking considered a kink? I'd like to learn more about it and get better at doing it. I think it could be really fun but I don't want to offend anyone with things I want to say. One thing is that I think the word pussy is juvenile and I'd like to tell someone what to do with their cunt as dirty talk. I'm not sure if I should ask them before if it's okay to use that word or if it would be more hot to just spring it on them when we're playing. Do you have advice?

Kink has such a large range of activities, and some people find dirty talking to be kinky, yes. If you think its kinky, then it is - go for it! Talking dirty is certainly something that a lot of our fellow kinksters here at SOJ enjoy; some of them could even call themselves experts. Talking dirty can be foreplay, a spicy addition to the action or even, for some, the main event. And as an interesting aspect of sexuality, dirty talk is certainly worth exploring in a risk-aware and consensual manner.

One good way to start exploring this kink is to negotiate with your partner. For example, you could discuss the use of words like 'pussy' or 'cunt' and how that would make them feel. Some people would find being called 'a slut' during sex very erotic and others would find it terribly offensive or merely distracting. Considering how your partner may react is a good thing to think about because the wrong word or words can bring a dirty talk scene to a quick and undesirable end. Many Kinksters find negotiation itself a fun and erotic activity. Going through an example of what you'd like to do and say in a calm, non-sexual atmosphere (such as over coffee) might help prepare you both for the activity.

However, if you're really concerned that it might take the heat out of the act, you could also consider just discussing the idea of dirty talk. You may also want to ask her if she's ever fantasized about being called names. You could also start slowly (like calling her 'a dirty girl') and ask her how she felt about it afterward. Or you can find out if certain words are off limits and simply stay away from those. One kinkster we know is totally turned on when called "a filthy cum-eating asslicking pig cunt whore," but if you call her "a bitch" it's a complete turn off or even a scene ender. So being specific with words is important. As are truly open communication whenever possible.

Also, be prepared to laugh. Most kinksters have had a brilliant plan go astray, laughter can be the best way to ease out of an awkward moment. Thanks for writing in!