Ask Janus: Not quite sure...

I am interested in BDSM, while I don't know a whole lot, I want to know more and my husband is not interested. Is there anyway of easing him into this lifestyle for both of us? I would like to experience certain aspects of BDSM because I feel like am really missing out of a lot of pleasure it could give us both. Is there any thing I can do at home to get him interested? I feel like I need more, and without him even learning and trying anything about this lifestyle, I will miss out of it all together. PLEASE - any help is appreciated.

Thanks for your question.

First, you should know that your situation is not uncommon. It's not unusual to find one partner in a couple looking to explore BDSM and the other not interested for one reason or another. It may be important for you to know more about your husband's disinterest as we will explain below.

BDSM has a wide range of activities from a little "slap and tickle" in the bedroom at one end to full-on bondage and structured relationships (i.e. Master/slave) at the other. Because BDSM is sometimes, or often, portrayed in movies and media as something only sick weirdos do, some people form opinions without having all the information. But BDSM is not uncommon in the U.S. In an older study, the Kinsey Institute once stated that somewhere around 10% of the population at some time exhibits some kinky curiosity. Newer studies are ongoing.

We'll recommend a good book at the end, but here are some suggestions for now:

- Since you admit to not knowing a lot, seek out more information online or in books. Two good books are "SM 101" by Jay Weisman. Or "Screw the roses, Give me the thorns" by Miller and Devon. Both provide an overview of BDSM and talk about some of the things we do and what to expect. It may help you discover more about your wants and desires and help you develop language to explain your feelings to your husband. Both books can be found online and are available in many mainstream bookstores.

- Be prepared for a frank, honest and possibly uncomfortable discussion. At the basis of safe, sane, consensual and rewarding BDSM is excellent communications. We talk about our expectations, our limits and our intentions. Some BDSM activities bring forth strong reactions and it's good to be fully aware going in. Talking about them can be a challenge because many people are not comfortable talking about sexual issues - but it has its rewards. Your husband may have thoughts about the lifestyle that you may need to uncover in order to take the next step.

- Be prepared for "push back" - Some folks are intimidated by exploration of sexual exploration or even what some consider a "darker" side. Many of our sexual morales are formed by previous life experience including upbringing and prior relationships. There is also the fear of the unknown. It's normal. Just know that consensual BDSM is about role playing, fantasy and sexual desire and absolutely not about abuse or violence.

- Look for a group in your area that offers education and support (like Janus). There are groups all over the country who help those who are curious find information and like-minded people. It's common to find others in your exact situation. Many places even have discussion groups. Here's a website that may get you started:

http://domsubfriends.com/a-wwwdir/

- Know that your desires and your husband's thoughts about BDSM may not mesh. We all have different turn-ons and "wiring," and some folks just don't get excited about kinky things - positively or negatively. Your husband simply might not be kinky.

- Here is something very important to know: BDSM is not necessarily about sex, but about an exchange of power. A good number of folks engage in BDSM without ever having sex with someone other than their primary partner. It's quite common for some practitioners to be happy in a union (marriage or otherwise) and have an outside BDSM relationship that does not cross the line or limits set by the primary relationship. But the successful ones are done with openness and honesty to keep the integrity of the union intact. This can be an important point when talking about this with your husband.

- Know that BDSM is not the answer to a relationship that might need something else. We sometimes see couples drawn to BDSM to overcome some basic relationship problems, thinking that "spicing it up" will fix things. BDSM is not therapy, that's why there are relationship counselors out there.

With all that said, congratulations on recognizing that you want to explore your sexuality.

As promised, here is a good book on the subject called "When someone you love is kinky" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. This, and the ones above are all available at Amazon.com or at many local bookstores.

One final suggestion, although this does require participation of your husband. Depending on where you live, there may be a Janus-like group that provides education and support for those exploring kink. Some have low-pressure events such as "munches" (folks get together over lunch in non-kinky environment for social interaction, but not play). Or newbie coffees where you can ask questions and get frank answers in a thoughtful, non-judgmental manner. Searching on the web may help you find a group. Again, this might be too much to ask of your husband, but just in case he's willing...

Hope this all helps.

AskJanus Team