Ten Rules for Dominants
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Ten Rules for Submissives
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| Be patient! Until you enter into a contract
with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around
than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and
what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance.
Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity
and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is
likely to be repeated in the playroom. |
Be patient! A potential
top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep
in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy
someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies.
Don't expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The
timing must be right for both of you. |
| Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift
to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You
will have ample opportunities to show how good you are - and plenty
of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim,
the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up
for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never
reach. |
Be humble. You may
be God's or Goddess' gift to the world and the most sought after prize
in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will
have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you
claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself
up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your
top can never reach. |
| Be open. Although the top is classically
considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your
bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other
dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours.
Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment
and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal
style. |
Be open. You can learn
something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene,
no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant
or submissive they are. SM is a very personal art, and an "I already
know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences,
and ignore potentially valuable SM friends. |
| Communicate! You are responsible for finding
out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such
as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information.
Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about
your head-space and your view of SM with your bottom, so that any
uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly
spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted
that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules. |
Communicate! Verbalization
is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way.
Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences,
fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But - unless it's an emergency
- wait until your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a mind-reader
who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation
will enhance the scene for both of you. |
| Be honest. If you lack experience in an
area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about
it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself
and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely
in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern,
taking priority over how hot a particular scene is. |
Be honest. Don't be
afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it.
Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential
to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to
problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information.
Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous. |
| Be sensitive. There's
a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous,
insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis
of your needs and fantasies and your bottom's needs and fantasies.
Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually
is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other.
Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even
threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to
you. Use it appropriately. |
Be vulnerable. Your scene is a two-way street.
It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If
you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological
stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don't
always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written
in your head. It's far better to let your top surprise you, to extend
your limits, to take you to places you're never been before. When
you trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him
or her guide you into new fantasies. |
| Be realistic. End
the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been
less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys,
not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is
fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite
porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don't try
to imitate them to the last detail. |
Be realistic. Your dominant is human, and
even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision.
Don't call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference
between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines.
Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout
of equipment. Your top's equipment is expensive - respect it and don't
abuse it. |
| Be really dominant! Submissives are looking
for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute
strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette
ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole existence.
It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life -
it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect
him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules,
expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for.
Don't shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow
tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take
the dominant role - now take it! |
Be really submissive!
This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely.
Don't coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information
on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts
be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications,
then you should try being a top. You have agreed to limitations of
your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your
top and expect punishment if you don't. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully.
Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety
and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.
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| Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity,
SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional
health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating
habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and
endurance during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your physical
or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility
to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude
of "drugs and alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it anyway"
violates your submissive's trust in you and can be dangerous. If you
don't want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing
the game! |
Be healthy! SM, like
any strenuous activity, requires that its participants - both active
and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount
you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday
stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant
needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter
how tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when
you aren't able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let
down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.
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| Have fun! After all, sex is all about having
a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique,
intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play. |
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having
a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense
pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM play. |
